Educational efforts on sexual violence prevention typically place a strong focus on communication, especially on the giving and receiving of consent to particiate in sexual activity. As thorny as it can be to define what consent looks and sounds like, what if your attempts to communicate your intention are completely misinterpreted?

Dr. Louanne Weston Cole, in her Sex Matters blog at WebMD.com, shares an intriguing study on the differences between men and women in how they interpret words differently in sexual situations:

I was reading an article about a new book, Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication, by Michael Motley, a University of California at Davis professor. He did an interesting study on how males and females interpret what females say when in the very early stages of sexual kissing.

When a female says, “It’s getting late,” she means that she wants to stop what they’re doing and go their separate ways. If she finished her sentence, it would go, “I should already be home in bed – alone.” Most males in this study, however, interpreted this to mean that she wants to skip the preliminaries and go forward a bit more quickly.

Or, if a woman says, “I’m seeing someone else,” (meaning that she wants to stop because her affections are really with another man), males tend to think this means, “Keep going, but let’s be discreet,” or “Keep going, but I want you to know that I’m not making a commitment.”

Motley concludes that in their efforts to not offend or upset their male partners with direct and forceful words, women are merely confusing them. He found out that men would prefer to hear it loud and clear, even if it smarts a little bit, rather than trying to read the woman’s mind and risk offending her and/or losing the sexual opportunity. read full article…

While the research is a bit locked up in the gender binary and heterosexual relationships, it still illustrates an important point: what we say may not be what is heard. It’s extraordinarily difficult to get what you want (and avoid what you don’t) if your attempts to communicate your intentions aren’t interpreted correctly.

Discussion Questions:
What does this mean for how we should be communicating with our partners?
Would being more forceful and direct in what we say solve the problem?
Or could our words continue to be misinterpreted even when said with conviction?
How do our cultural attitudes about sex and gender stereotypes play into this?

Wesleyan Resources:
Sexual Violence information
Emotional Abuse information
Sexual Misconduct Policy
Office of Behavioral Health for Students

Tags: communication, consent, sexual assault, sexual violence